Waking Up Again
Inside my belly exists a tangled world of anxious feelings.
I have no real reason to worry. I have access to food and a heater to keep me warm. My five-gallon jug is full of water that I got for $2.50 at a refillable station. Even my grandparents are in relatively good spirits as far as I can tell. My cat snuggled with me last night. I feel like I’m giving parts of myself away; parts of myself that I should be holding together. Particularly the places where I find joy. I don’t even know what brings that feeling on anymore. Sometimes it randomly visits me, like today. I woke up at 4AM (officially) and began doing my laundry. I have had two cups of coffee that perhaps contributed to my anxiety. I wonder when the good feelings will leave again.
Yesterday was miserable. I woke up at 1AM and was unable to go back to sleep. I got up and began studying over a chart for a reading that would start at 7AM. Of course, I didn’t spend the entire time going over the chart, but a lot of that time I dedicated to Astrology. When it came time to do the reading, mine and my partner’s internet crashed multiple times. We struggled to finish but finally made it to the end. I was wiped out and ready for a nap but I couldn’t sleep right away. I noticed I received two emails that were from things that had taken place in June. One was my purchase of Arielle Gutman’s mythology PDF book, which was from June 25th and the other was a post by Ralston College that they had uploaded a podcast from June 23rd. It leaves an astrologer to wonder what that was about. Not just one but two emails from late June. I took a quick look back on my journaling from June 23 , June 24 , and June 25 to see what was going on in my head. Interesting to note, not much has changed except I no longer listen to Sam Harris Meditations.
Honestly, I have felt a bit stranded since I lost my practice. I was meditating everyday, twice per day with prompts from the Waking Up App. But, after SH asserted that Trump tricking people into attending Trump University was worse than the theoretical scenario of Hunter Biden having the corpses of children in his basement- I haven’t had any interest in returning to his app. As someone that got tricked into attending online school for an Associate’s Degree in General Studies, I can say that this shit happens all the time and isn’t isolated to Trump as the only perpetrator offering garbage programs.
Sam and I share the Left Angle Incarnation Cross of the Clarion 1, based on the fact that his birthday is the day before mine. We are also both born with our Sun exalted in Aries at 19° (the exact degree of exaltation). Our Incarnation Cross is meant to be a catalyst for change, and sometimes the things we say may be very shocking. In fact, “How could you!?” is expected to be a common response to things I do in this life. I certainly felt that way toward Sam for his Trump Derangement Syndrome. For someone that is supposed to be objective and mindful, that slip of the tongue was one of the dumbest arguments I’ve ever heard him spit out. It seemed like he didn’t even think twice about how fucking out-of-touch he sounded. How is it that someone could be so capable of explaining how to detach from thought, but is unable to do this long enough to notice they’ve gone off the deep end of extremism.
I have to admit, however, that sometimes things need to be said. While I don’t agree with Sam, he is standing up to corruption from his perspective. He is saving our republic by denouncing Trump, as he sees this man is the greatest threat to our country. I have my moments. Like the other day when I yelled at my grandpa. Well, I wrote about one instance and then another. What I said in both situations was valid, even if it was delivered in a very harsh way. I’d like to work with that a bit. I was reminded today by a friend of the passive-aggressive part of my post from the other day, in which I stated very firmly that I don’t write for other people. He was encouraging me by saying that, despite that being the case, he still enjoyed my writing. The truth is, of course I appreciate that. I write to be relatable and so that others can know me. That was what I was getting at with the ‘observed photon’ analogy. A quote for reference:
I have to admit, journal, that when people read these posts, it is actually uncomfortable for me. There are several reasons why I write though. One, being that these posts are dated and I can look back at them for my Astrology practice. Another is because a photon observed is a photon measured. It counts. Given that I am essentially light myself, or at least, in part, the result of it, then I must also have this same predisposition.
I want to matter. (says the photon lol). I’m just afraid of being the anti-hero. I am afraid of being the heretic. I am afraid of saying the wrong things that will make people not like me. Perhaps this is something to meditate over. Maybe Sam Harris isn’t the worst human alive for saying what he said. Maybe Trump isn’t the root of all evil in this country. Maybe what I have to say isn’t all that bad after all. Maybe we all just want to know we are understood and maybe we fuck up a little when we try to get our point across. We are all human and we all make mistakes, and even if we don’t acknowledge them as mistakes, we change the world by our actions. Our actions are directed by our thoughts and our thoughts seem to self-assemble based on our algorithm. I am due for a system update to get rid of the corrupt data that makes my insides feel all jittery. Maybe I could give Sam another chance.
Originally written in Collective Journaling at The Stoa
