Mars square Neptune Thoughts
Hey journal its been a while.
I’ve been having very real human thoughts that perhaps have gone unchecked for long enough. Mars square Neptune seems to be bringing some burning hot lava to the top. I have to admit, journal, that when people read these posts, it is actually uncomfortable for me. There are several reasons why I write though. One, being that these posts are dated and I can look back at them for my Astrology practice. Another is because a photon observed is a photon measured. It counts. Given that I am essentially light myself, or at least, in part, the result of it, then I must also have this same predisposition.
I can tell deep from shallow waters. I think when people read these posts, they begin to think they know me. But what they don’t realize is that I don’t know them, nor do I have any real desire to know them any deeper than what I do. I am still exploring myself, so, to me, also, I am interesting. I watch my self experience waves of emotion, as they go past they become a part of me, but they aren’t me. I’m never a certain ‘me’, and nothing bothers me more than being stuck in a character for the sake of other people. Its what I left my relationship for, and now I am repeating the same patterns so that others can be comfortable at my expense. I stop myself from saying things that are mean even though I feel them.
This is Mars in my first house. The god of war. I really just want to raise Hell. I was feeling irritated, agitated, and annoyed all at the same time. Yesterday, my grandpa randomly asked me what was wrong with my nephew. Because I’ve been looking for a reason to be mad at him anyway, I took the bait. “There’s nothing wrong with him” I barked back, “Why do you ask?” “He doesn’t sit down and talk with me” he said. I told him he needed to give him time to get used to him. “Well how long does he need?” he scoffed back. By this point, I had had it. “I don't know, maybe six months” I said, as I gave him the death stare. I was pissed.
Just then, my nephew was walking through the living room. He asked him if he was starting school soon. My nephew didn’t respond. Grandpa said, “I’m not going to give you my bow if you ain’t gonna sit down and talk to me.” The tone he took with my nephew when he said that made me want to rock his chair over. “That’s not a very good way to get someone to talk to you” I said through clenched teeth. I could feel my snarl twitch as I looked him dead in the eyes. My nephew went and sat in the kitchen and faced the door. I could tell he was a little scared. I went over to talk to him even though I was shaking with rage.
“Why don’t you want to sit with grandpa, bud?” I asked. He thought about it for a moment and then he said, “I just feel like its a waste of time to listen to him” he answered, earnestly. A very angry part of me wanted to tell my nephew that he was right and my grandpa is a fucking terrible person. Instead I told him that grandpa has a lot of really cool stories about being in the Coast Guard and the Navy. I told him grandpa isn’t going to be here much longer so he should sit and listen to his stories. I wasn’t forceful with the suggestion so he knew he had an option. He chose to ask grandpa to tell him a Coast Guard story. Grandpa proceeded to tell him the story about how he had pulled a dead man’s arm off once. There were more stories but that one was hilarious to me.
I was a mess after that. My sister and the kids went to go look for her a car with my mom and that left just me, grandma, and grandpa. Grandma was in bed and I just couldn’t face grandpa again. It all ended well but the wave of emotion had not fully passed. I was still in the middle of a maelstrom of rage and fury. Saturn is sitting on my moon in Aquarius right now, so my emotions are feeling restricted. Its a self-inflicted barrier I have designed. When I left my shitty relationship and ended up here, I realized it wasn’t just my ex that was the problem. It was my relationship with masculine energy. So here it is again, manifesting as an immature grandfather. The lesson is going to be that I have to see just how patient I can be. It won’t be easy all the time. Most days, I have no issue. Fortunately this time, Saturn was in a trine with the Sun, so a harmonious aspect seemed to give me the ability to exercise discipline in the moment. Trines are covert like that, it was very natural in the moment, but I was overwhelmed and exhausted when it was all said and done.
So today, I didn’t even go inside. I stayed out in my camper all day. I cleaned and organized. I felt physically drained. I listened to and exchanged with my Astrology friends about how our Gene Keys have manifested in our lives. I also broke down and got a Delta 8 vape. I’m gonna let Neptune extinguish some of Mars’s energy and that’s okay. I have my sister holding on to it so that I don’t over do it. I already feel much better because it really took the edge off. I finally did go inside and ate a chicken sandwich. I watched Tim the Toolman Taylor with grandpa for a short bit and then I gave him a hug goodnight. He didn’t try to talk to me too much, just asked if I was working today. I told him no, that I’d just been cleaning and that I felt tired. He left it there. All is right in the world again. There was a double rainbow in the sky and the vape store clerk responded to “Hey how’s it going?” with “Just another day in paradise.” He’s right. It is Paradise if we make it that. We can’t bring people out of Hell, we can only meet them in Heaven.
