Welcome Back
Welcome back to journaling. Its been a minute.
Yes, Mars Retrograde in Gemini has been a rollercoaster. Saturn is making his last pass over my moon, Venus and Mercury made their conjunction right on my North Node, where Pluto has been chillin’. Its been a lot. Its overwhelming to even try to think about how I’ll catch myself back up, but suffice to say, I’ve been too busy. Too busy to sit my little ass down and write. Too busy to even eat, I’m 97 pounds which is the lowest I’ve weighed in my 30s.
This time I’m not just withering away though. I’ve been applying for a job since November. Not just any job, my dream job. To be a Science Communicator. I have always loved learning and sharing that knowledge with others. From Mrs. Frizzle to Billy Nye the Science Guy, I couldn’t get enough of it! My parents bought my sister and me CD Rom games for our PC in the early 90s. This would have put me on a computer before I turned 10. The games we played were educational; exploring the human body, the ocean, solving problems in a submarine. I never lost that sense of wonder because I was so influenced by it in those years.
The job I applied for in November was essentially a role as the person that builds a lesson plan for instructional videos. I had to take an exam with 30 questions and then come up with three of my own. It took me about 2 or 3 hours to complete the entire things. Then I was interviewed and encouraged to apply for an even more aligned job. This job would have me presenting the information in video form. It's literally a dream. After the interview for the first job, I had to do a second assessment, which involved me illustrating and designing test questions, correcting mistakes in an already written lesson plan, and several other tasks that took me about ten hours to complete. Then I had to fill out a survey to honestly describe how I felt about my abilities.
I waited and waited to hear back for weeks but nothing came through. Then, four days before Christmas, I got the assessment for the second job I applied to (and the one I really want!) I wasn’t able to get right down to it because I had to go to Georgia to pick up my Granny and bring her to Florida for the holidays. So the timeline is that, I received the instructions for the assessment the Wednesday evening before Christmas. I had actually expected to already be with my Granny at that time, but on Tuesday when I was going to go get my oil changed, I discovered a big crack on my windshield that I had to wait until Thursday to get fixed! (Fortunately its a free fix in Florida if you have windshield insurance. Had it not been for my mom’s foresight on setting that up, I’d have been fucked).
Thursday I traveled, then stayed the night with my friend where we had a magical experience in her living room on the couch that made me realize how much I love the spiritual work I do and how others seem to see that gift in me (a gift I’m only just becoming okay with). Friday I drove the rest of the way to my Granny’s, and then we began the long four hour journey home. By the time we arrived, it was dark and I couldn’t keep my eyes open if I wanted to. By Saturday, it was Christmas Eve and my little niblings needed me to be Mrs. Claus to bake cookies. I spent the rest of the day preparing for my oldest sister to arrive from San Francisco and doing the normal Christmas Eve routines. I thought about trying to work on the assignment, but I value my time with family too much than to isolate myself to a computer for the holidays. I would get to it after all the Christmas things were done.
Christmas morning arrived and we opened presents and enjoyed as my family members filtered in and out of my grandparents tiny house. That evening I went with some friends to see the new Avatar movie, and made it to my dad’s by 8pm for some final gifts and celebration. I spent about 3 hours over there so by the time I got home, it was very late and my throat was beginning to hurt a little. I thought I could just rest it and then I’d be fine. I woke up on Boxing Day with laryngitis. I could not speak, and therefore, I could not film myself presenting a lesson. I began taking the supplements I know to take like Vitamin C and Vitamin D, a little chlorophyll, and some zinc. Sprinkle Sprinkle, thinking nothing of it. By the time Tuesday rolled around, I hit rock bottom. I had no ability to speak and I was devastated. I couldn’t do the videos for this job I’d been calling in. It felt like a cruel and unusual punishment even though It didn’t hurt. I think that was the part that frustrated me the most. It was just that my voice left me.
Of course, this was happening as Mercury was slowing to turn retrograde, which indicates disruptions in our ability to communicate. I guess it hit me really hard because Mercury is my chart ruler. On top of that, Mars Retrograde is in my first house, so that’s been extremely frustrating because there is a lot of desire to move forward but its like my wheels are spinning and I’m going nowhere. I yelled at God. I told him he was a piece of shit for doing this to me. Then I apologized, realizing this was all part of the test. All the stress, all the hours of investment into something I’m not getting paid to do (the interviews). This is what it takes to live the life we love. With transit Saturn sitting on my Natal Moon in my Ninth House of higher education, it feels like everything is unfair.
Saturn is the planet of discipline. When I compare Saturn to Jupiter, I think about two different kinds of dads. Jupiter is the dad that will give you a cookie and send you on your merry way. He is that “go-get-em-tiger” kind of dad. Then there’s the Saturnian type of father (yes father, not dad). Saturn uses phrases like “it builds character” and “quit crying before I give you something to cry about” when you are shoveling shit. If you expect Saturn to give you a cookie, you will be waiting until the end of time. “Saturn, please, please just for the love of God, please just give me something”. Saturn replies, “Turn around, kid. The cookies are in the oven, you made them”. So it hurts, its tough love, but the result is that you become stronger and you provide for yourself instead of looking to the outer world to just give you the blessings like the ‘sugar daddy’ of the sky Jupiter.
Wednesday came and went and I couldn’t get out of bed. I was officially accepting the fact that I was sick. Thursday was the last day my oldest sister was in town. I was going to try to power through my videos with no voice, but instead, I took her to the beach and we talked about my childhood and her childhood. She was there to observe me as a kid. She actually helped raise me because she taught me things. She is probably who I have to thank for my curiosity. When we arrived back to my car, it wouldn’t start. I can’t make this shit up. I got a jump start from a guy parked next to me and my sister made it just in time to get to the airport for her flight to be delayed.
That evening I began preparing myself to record the videos because my voice was starting to try to pull back through. There were three problems to explain, one based on biology, the other human anatomy, and the final one was biochemistry. I had to write myself some scripts because the videos were required to be under a certain number of minutes. My astrology partner and I had already agreed to do a reading that we were scheduled to do earlier in the week when I lost my voice. So, I had to factor in preparation time for that. On Saturday, we did the reading and I recorded my introduction video on my DSLR camera and started to realize how much time it was going to take to record my content videos.
Finally, I recorded my first content video and I was so proud! It took me all day to edit because I wanted to try to make up for the fact that I was submitting it so late. By this time it had already been ten full days since I’d first received the email. Now, don’t get me wrong… part of me was bitter about the fact that I’d applied at the beginning of December for this second job, and only received the assessment four days before Christmas, but I was ready to prove that I could complete the task in a reasonable amount of time. I was ready to let go of all my trials and tribulations. I felt like the finish line was so close. Then the fireworks hit.
It sounded like a goddamn war zone because my neighbors apparently decided to buy the entire fireworks store. Beginning at 5pm, its like they waited until the sun went down before all hell broke loose. My cat was panting and growling, so instead of working on my videos, I comforted her. I wasn’t going to be able to record when it sounded like bombs were going off in the background anyway. Later in the evening I began writing up the scripts so that I could read them while recording. Originally I’d planned to just get YouTube to transcribe them, but it gave me a hard time so I had to do it manually. Word by word, I listened to the sound of my raspy voice and typed everything out in a way that was easy to read through. I went to bed just after midnight after everyone stopped shooting off the whistlers and poppers.
Saturday was the day, I woke up at 5am and thought, “I could rest more or I can get up and get to it!” So I chose the latter. I went inside and started making bacon for everyone, I made myself a coffee and then my grandma joined me. We chatted for a bit, and then I went to go take a shower. When I did she decided to clean up after me in the kitchen. She carried the bacon grease to throw it away in the trash. When I got out of the shower, I sat with her for a bit and listened to the weather on the local news channel, but then I said I needed to go to start getting my videos recorded. I walked to the coffee maker for one last cup when I felt my feet slip across the floor. Bacon Grease. Grandma had dropped bacon grease on the floor.
Knowing that everyone in my family has trouble with walking in one way or another, I knew this was potentially very dangerous. So I wiped up the bacon grease with a paper towel. If you’ve ever had to clean up grease, you’ll know it wasn’t that easy; wiping it up means smearing it across the tile. I took some thieves oil cleaner, thinking, “like will take care of like, this is an oil, that is grease, same difference”. No, that made it even more slippery. Now the whole floor was a giant death trap. I had to mop. I had to pull out the mop handle, attach the mop head, fill up the bucket with water, pour in Mr. Clean and mop. So I did, I even did so calmly, keeping my full awareness on my body language. I did not want to make Grandma feel bad, even though I knew she did. She knew I was just about to go do the thing I needed to do, the one thing I have not stopped talking about (even when I lost my voice). She knew this was cutting into my time. There was no need to punish her more than she was punishing herself. I mopped and waited for it to dry, and then when I went and checked, I realized I needed to mop again, just to be on the safe side. I went out on the porch and watched the sun rise and enjoyed the quiet solitude.
When the floor finally dried, I sat down to make my videos. I recorded myself and then got to editing. I knew editing would be the most arduous part of this task because I don’t have a tablet to draw on, so any interactive parts of the video would have to be added. I completed my second video and then just went ahead and recorded the third. For the human anatomy video, I spent six hours editing. I didn’t even notice how much time had gone buy, but I knew that I needed to eat before editing the biochemistry video. Like I said in the beginning, I’ve lost a few pounds, so even though I really could have just powered through, I decided to take a break. After eating, I went immediately back to editing my third and final video. The end was so near! But it couldn’t be that easy.
I realized while editing my third video that I solved a math problem with magic. I had no idea how to explain how to solve the equation without just plugging the variables into a computer generator. In order to be thorough and to really do the assessment the way that I’d been instructed, I was going to have to explain step by step. It was already 8pm. I was exhausted. I tried and tried to solve the problem but my brain was mush from staring at a screen for 12 hours. At that point, I sent out my last Hail Mary to my old Chemistry professor. He replied back to me within the hour because he’s that kind of person. Incredible. Tremendous. Just overflowing with his generous spirit.
Today I’ll be finishing the final video and submitting it to the company. I pray that my efforts are noticed and that I get the job, but (as Saturn would have it), I’ve already gotten so much experience out of this endeavor that I feel like a stronger person for pushing through without having a melt down. Sarah of 2020 would have felt victimized, but Sarah of 2023 knows that if this job isn’t the one for me, then something better will come along.
Originally written in Collective Journaling at The Stoa
