Weighing on My Heart

New moons bring new beginnings.

For me this is taking place in my fifth house of joy and pleasure. There was a time when I thought life revolved around these two feelings. I wanted to have whatever would satisfy my urges or cravings. This conditioned me to just hold out on pleasure for long enough that when the time comes to “treat myself”, I feel like I have earned it. I now have habits that I would like to break. In order to do that, I am trying to focus on creating pleasure with space. Space created from not giving in to those attachments; allowing for time to pass before a wish is fulfilled. By making the decision to not give in, I hold all the power.

This becomes increasingly obvious when I do give in to my temptations. When I do allow the wrong thing to cause me to release my built up energy, I depleat all that I have to put towards projects that fuel me back up. I have to be able to see it that way. There are so many things in life that I can expend energy on, including addictions, including attachments. In fact, I may spend even more energy on attaining those perishables than I do actually consuming them. They take space and energy from my day. They take me away from identifying with the Observer Mind and move me back into the physical realm. Maybe that’s my karma; maybe I am meant to spend this lifetime in appreciation of how impossible it feels to let go of what makes me feel good. What makes us feel good will ultimately make us feel bad.

Holding power feels good, its just so difficult to maintain. I have a really difficult time making promises with me in the future. I usually just avoid making that mistake by saying it isn’t realistic. Its not realistic to believe I could be out of debt in a few months. Its not realistic to think I don’t actually need coffee. Its not realistic to expect me to wake up everyday and have a routine. I could move. I could switch jobs. Something might come up. This reminds me of this idea of ‘quitting not being an option’, just reversed. Starting to eliminate things is not an option because things are so flux. I can’t consider a routine because it will very likely have to change.

In my decision to not make plans, I stifled any growth. Is that divine will or is it because I’m feeding other roots? Is that the divine will? That I sever the bad roots? There isn’t always an answer, but of course I’m looking for a reason to take any action. These planned changes have unintended consequences. Overcoming the discomfort of uncertainty is where the power lies. Time expands when we introduce disruptions to the normal order. We notice. There is a story that develops; a plot twist. The wave ripples out in a new direction. Propelling through the water requires a constant and self-charging energy source. Energy cannot be created nor can it be destroyed but it can be used differently.

The myth that comes to mind is Anubis, as this is the Libra New Moon. Anubis is the god of the dead, with the head of a jackal and the body of a man. His story involves weighing the souls of the deceased in Egyptian myth. The heart was placed on one side of the scale and an ostrich feather that represented Ma’at or ‘the truth’, on the other. If the soul was heavier than the feather, then the heart would be eaten. If lighter, it would ascend into the heavens. The idea of truth here leads me to think about what it means to commit to the Self. It means being very honest and being very loyal. I associate these two words with the heart. To embody this practice of releasing attachment, I will focus my attention to my heart. This self-charging pump that moves life fluid through me. When I need encouragement to remain on my path, I will meditate on my pulse.

Originally written in Collective Journaling at The Stoa

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