Time Traveler’s Fodder
I had several ideas running through my mind to journal about this morning.
There are still many things on my mind I could begin typing away about. This part of the day is one that I genuinely look forward to now but I used to have to force myself out of my comfort zone in order to attend Collective Journaling. I remember I would start feeling anxious when it was time to go to break out rooms. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to say because I was still hiding a lot of my real self. I was scared that revealing myself completely could cause someone to not like me.
Isn’t that so interesting? We are all too willing to be a different person if it means that people will like us. Of course, the problem lies in the formulation because it isn’t actually us (you or me as we are) that is liked. It's a puppet show they like. Fortunately for me, the Collective Journalers are without a doubt my kind of people. I show up looking like a train hit me on my way from the bed to my laptop, but that part doesn’t matter. Honestly, my journaling shares at the end of the sessions, though they be brilliant and beautiful and spectacular… even they don’t really matter. What matters is showing up regularly and becoming a part of something in that way. It has to be something that makes you feel alive. If you can find people gathering around your favorite things, light will emanate from every pore in your body and you will feel less of an urge for your true self to be hidden. You will shine.
I experienced this process of un-selfing and then re-selfing during a relationship and the aftermath that has gone on since ending it. The un-selfing was small things that became big. At first, I stopped doing things I loved to be available for him and to do things that he loved with him. He had less of a desire to do things that I loved so it just “made more sense” in my mind at the time. Of course, looking back at my relationship objectively, I could tear it apart (and I have in more posts than I could possibly reference here). Instead, I would like to empathize with my younger self. In times like this, when I reflect on how far I’ve come, I know that this is why. Its almost like I’m looking back on that girl as the ghost she was interacting with when she begged for the pain to stop. I’m the Angel that consoled her; me now, me-of-the-future then.
I can now articulate what she (i) told me that day:
Darling, I know you think that because this man doesn’t love you, that no man ever will. I know it hurts for me to even tell you he doesn’t love you but one day you will know that for yourself. I promise you that one day you won’t have any doubts that you are loveable. You’ll stop feeling like you are guilty of things you never did. You will rid yourself of shame and ultimately you double down and forgive those that would try to cause you to feel such a way.
It doesn’t seem possible now because you’ve been in living in fear for so long your natural programming is to react. You may even feel defensive reading this. I know you don’t think its fear. I know you feel hardened but the second you get a chance to rest and not stress, you will fall completely apart. You will absolutely crumble… and then you will pick yourself up and put yourself back together. There will be temptation along the way, constantly picking away at your progress. You may give in just a little every now and then, but over time you will be adding so much goodness that the patterns and habits of the past will become nothing more than pathways that led you to freedom through forgiveness.
Life is not a single road nor a syllabus and it certainly never looks the way you think it will. If you can channel all of your efforts to noticing, paying attention to, and focusing on (yes all ways of saying the same thing) The Good then you will find that is the very way your ship will orient itself. You’ll begin noticing signs and symbols that encourage you along your way. People will show real interest and appreciation for your unique gifts even if you think they are way too weird to be presented. For some people, they will be too weird and that doesn’t mean they are bad people but maybe they aren’t your only people. In fact, it's good to have many different groups of people because it allows you to play more. Not in the sense that “the more the merrier”, but in that you will exist in the minds of many people and they will continue to co-create with you. Together you will build identities that are far greater than they could ever be on your own; as a single instrument to an orchestra.
But this cannot be done with the man you’ve chosen. Many experiences have given you reason to believe this, but you prefer the comfort of familiarity over the endless possibilities that better suit you. You cannot build a life with a man that just wants to destroy out of vengeance. This energetic tie you have with him is causing you to narrow your scope of possibilities, only considering those that he may wish to be involved. The feeling you have with him is comfort and complacency not love. This may sound harsh but I can assure you I have tempered this message to be a gentle loving nudge to keep going, sweet girl. You deserve more than you could ever possibly imagine and one day that will be yours and it won’t be too long from now.
I remember nights when I would hold myself and rock back and forth when the feelings were really big. I just wrapped my arms as tight as I could around my own self, sobbing, rocking, swaying, and soothing. It needed to be alchemized, the emotions needed to be felt. At times that was by detonation, but fortunately only a few times. There were silent screams and pillow punches lots of swear words and a couple of explosive episodes before I was finally able to let the steam off of my volatility. In those moments, I would often think to me in the future. I would just ask for a glimpse, just a taste of what it could be like to not feel so rejected. I sit here now from that vantage point. She’s here, this is the moment and it feels like somewhat of a baton-pass. *looks to the future*
PS- heres hoping the Interstellar reference is coming through-chooses image of cornfield because Cooper Family Farm- ok thanks bye.
Originally written in Collective Journaling at The Stoa
