Scorpio New Moon Thoughts
This morning my nephew got in trouble and it taught me a lesson.
My sister wakes up really early in the morning, just as I do, so its nice to have coffee with her before the kids wake up. This morning we had a cup around 5 AM, then I went into the house and found my grandma awake. She’s got a cold that she caught from my mom. My mom got it from the kids. I asked grandma if she wanted a cup of coffee. The Keurig spit out half a cup and then requested to be “descaled”. This allowed me to spend time with grandma without having to just stare at her and figure out what we could talk about aside from than her health.
After I replaced the filter and ran a cleaning pod through it, I walked back to my sister’s. She was braiding my niece’s hair. My nephew was in a really good mood but maybe a little hyper. When it was time to leave, he ran off without grabbing his book bag. My sister specifically told him to grab his book bag. I was already on the way to go grab a trash bag from inside. I saw my nephew hiding behind the clothes rack in the laundry room. I didn’t entertain him, I just said, “You better go back before your mom gets really mad” (knowing all the while she was already livid). He ran off.
Then it hit me. I’d been so serious. He might have a terrible day all because it started like this. I’ve been focusing my attention on my daily habits and how I completely got out of sync back in September. I’ve yet to begin my routines again. I’ve only just begun journaling again. But I know how important moments can be. For my nephew, I’d just sucked the fun out. I do that a lot. I live with elders that are very near to Death. They walk with Death everyday asking Death to take them. When that’s the reality (and it absolutely is) its very easy to get cynical. After my nephew ran off, a feeling surged through my body of disappointment. Disappointment that the world couldn’t be fun. I heard the voice in my head justifying: “If this is the worst he has to deal with, then thank God”. If his mom having to be mad at him for bad behavior at least there was a message of love at the roots. This world can be cruel and unforgiving. If we have to stomp out fun, sometimes its for our own good.
That’s the perspective shift that hits mid-to-late twenties. Its no longer a race; Death comes for us all. There’s no need to hurry up and make money; it will come with time. Everything we need is here, we have to find a way to make it fun again. We have to take back our power and will to create. All those things that were smothered out of us as children come back full circle. The things we held on to, the things that upset us, they are all keys to unlocking an invisible code.
One of the last songs I ever heard with my ex was “It’s Not For Me to Say”. It was on his birthday. We were in Detroit. I was sick to my stomach. I couldn’t eat. We were required to wear masks. Then the pianist began this intro. Since that day, this song has play occasionally in my head. Over time, its become more playful, more ironic. There’s a girl that lived back then. I can’t say for sure that I can access her. Most of the memories seem like a lifetime ago. I don’t think I can even claim to be that person anymore. I can hardly incorporate her into who I’ve become. I saw her as weak. I didn’t like her. I never wanted to be her again. How sad… poor girl. She didn’t do anything to deserve so much hate. Instead of taking on her precious mind, I chose the Devil. I chose to embody what I’d been up against. I wanted to fight fire with fire until there was nothing left but ashes.
What’s become most pleasantly ironic about that song is I had an epiphany today, following the incident with my nephew. I have spent a lot of time trying to learn to communicate with my family. I’ve tried to speak on the same plane of thought that they remain at, but I am unable to find joy there. I want to expand. I want to explore. I realized today that the only thing that is stopping me from being free is myself. I’ve always been the one doing that. Every relationship that I allowed myself to become a victim, I made decisions that kept me there. I have the power to make decisions to put me somewhere else if somewhere is else is where I want to be. No one is holding me back but my own fears. Fears that lives inside my mind. Fears of the unknown. What if the unknown is worse, what if the unknown is better?
One fated day in my childhood, I heard someone say that we are only afraid of things that we know little about. I realized that I could overcome my fears by knowing more. If I know where a snake likes to hide, I can better predict where one might be. If I expose myself to my fears, they will slowly become less scary. When choosing what to do with our lives, I think its important to consider what we are afraid of most. That at least allows us to move in a productive direction to prove there is nothing to hide from. To prove that Life isn’t something to be afraid of, and therefore, neither is Death. We can only create the illusion of security, but it isn’t guaranteed. If we work towards building something so that one day we will no longer worry, we find only that we worry more.
Originally written in Collective Journaling at The Stoa
