return of the twin flame
I went onto Facebook to grab an embarrassing photo to show my karaoke group, when there it was.
“My ex is engaged”
The words just fell out of my mouth as if they, too, were in total utter shock.
I sat, aghast, looking for which emotion I was supposed to have. I never know in these situations what to do; expressing feelings is a new thing for me. While I was not a sad sack of shit about the break-up, I knew this was a different thing. This set off a whole “why not me” moment that I couldn’t address in front of these people I’d developed a friendship with over the course of those six months. There was too much to uncover and I was supposed to be having fun because we were ironically having an entire show based on break-up songs to celebrate the new year (because everyone knows 2020 deserves a key to the paint and some slashed tires). Then, as if planned, I learned that the only love I’d ever known was officially no longer mine.
This man told me he’d never get married. There were reasons like: the government doesn’t belong in relationships and even I’m going to have a baby with a woman from each continent so that one day my sons can bring world peace. I always found reasons in my biology textbook for why his behavior was justifiable based on evolution. Psychoanalysis led me to believe it was just a case of Peter Pan syndrome that he’d one day grow out of.
When karaoke ended I was left to my feelings but I avoided them. In fact, I ran from those feelings since January and have only just begun to work through them. Just this month, in fact. April: my birthday month. Why? Because he wished me a happy birthday and I said “Thank you”. We both removed our feelings this time. There were no emotions in these two texts. Just a simple reminder that he remembered my birthday and that was actually a nice feeling.
As opposed to trying to construct any formal inquiry on why I had not been selected as an official life partner, I sat in it and felt it. From my perspective of appreciation to his perspective of potential longing or maybe just good kind-heartedness. My dad said “If he didn’t care, he wouldn’t have said anything”, and trust me, my dad is not granting this guy any grace, simply stating facts.
Now I no longer have to contend with the idea of “why not me”. I know why- because I left him. I chose that. In his wish for me to have a good birthday, he gave me one of the greatest gifts: he reminded me that it just wasn’t meant for us to be. Not that there was ever anything wrong with me. We knew this would happen. We always talked about how we were preparing each other for the next partner. Its just that the moment I found out about his new plans, there was a girl inside me that had worked so hard on the old ones. Then it hit me like a brick: I’d done so much thinking through that relationship, I hadn’t even thought to feel.
Rather than feeling closed and rejected with a why not me, it is best to remove the ‘me’. Lose the ego. Be open and receptive.
The ever-pressing thought in my head ‘why not me’ becomes, simply, ‘why not?’
