Perspective: death and rebirth of relationship
The way I got out of a ten year relationship was quite rushed. I’m not saying it was a mistake but I have to be honest that the grieving crept up on me.
I can’t be certain this would be the case for everyone, but I’m just providing my lenses so that you can see from this perspective.
I left my relationship when my ex was on his way home from a job many states away. He was screaming at me over the phone, but he was not aware that this time I was coming to the conversation with a new mindset; I had reprogrammed my software. Many discussions online with people other than him had me thinking an entirely different way. So I decided to pack up my shit with the 15 or so hours I had left until his estimated arrival time. I was gone before nightfall that evening. I made sure to clean the apartment before I left because there was still remnants of my previous programming.
How could I be so cold and express no feelings during this time? I already had a new relationship in mind. It sounds absurd but I was having an absolute mental breakdown and didn’t even know it. I had just severed a relationship that was the only thing I really knew in my adult life. The only person I’d ever been was the person I had been with that person. I had virtually transformed into someone else but wasn’t fully committed to the new character; to the new lenses. It didn’t take long before the frames through which I was viewing this new life were shattered. The same thing I had done to someone was done to me. This affair turned out to be a complete sham. I was left out in the dark. Coldness was expressed towards me.
That sent me spiraling even deeper into the cold blue abyss of emotions. Not only had I ruined my previous life, but I had been abandoned in an unknown world. Everywhere I looked, there were strangers. From having someone that knew every button he could push to piss me off, to nothing. I was invisible. So I did things to get attention. I craved it and (because the rest of my life was suffering) I felt like I deserved it. Being alone with myself was excruciating. I spent many nights sobbing about how fucked up it was to want to be back in a relationship that wasn’t working. At least it was some kind of connection-someone to observe me.
That was the ah ha! moment: I needed attention. I figured out I was the only one that I could rely on to do that. So there! Problem solved. Only, that isn’t really all that easy. Instead, what I had to do was start to be grateful. I had to train my mind to feel thankful instead of sad. Instead of replaying all the things I could’ve done differently, I had to give thanks for my situation. In doing so, I was training my mind to recognize those patterns. My search for an Observer within my mind, let me to think like the Observer. Its what we do, as humans, when we are on the hunt. We take on the mind of whatever it is for whatever we seek. By trying to figure out what it is that I seek, I build a relationship with it. That way, when I see it, I will know it. To know what it is that I seek, I must know my Self. Its a partnership; somehow it isn’t just me, its me and Me.
Back to feelings: the culture we live in really pushes partnership. I am not opposed to the idea myself, but as someone that is not in a relationship, its something I notice. It reminds me that I am alone. It isn’t easy to do things alone. Going places is not nearly as fun. Strangers may wonder about our shadows because no one has paired with us to bring them out. As far as any one can guess, our shadows are what make us unbearable to be around. But most often, our shadows actually make other people unbearable to be around. They make us uncomfortable in public. As a single person, we feel incomplete. Anyone can project good or bad on to us, and we have no one to vouch for our character. The partnering perspective is missing and therefore is left uncorroborated. Our existence is unconfirmed.
This was the catastrophic depression I fell in to. I only had a few friends left after my meltdown and all the new people in my life had never known my other half. They ultimately didn’t know the me I was before. They only know the me that exists now. The girl that was here in this body died. She went through a transformation and is now completely different. Yet, there are remnants of her that want restitution. There are little glimpses of hope that everyone that betrayed her will suffer their own consequences for denying her any compassion. No one can ever know her perspective because her intentions are not good. Naturally, she is even more alluring when ordered to remain hidden away. But I can slip on that pair of lenses every now and then and sulk in misery. This dark corner of despair in my heart is her home. I can visit with her whenever I like, without anyone else ever knowing her. Its my own love affair with suffering.
Originally written in Collective Journaling at The Stoa