Nervous Nancy
I imagine there is a way to fix my nervous system, but as a Gemini, it suits me that I have a neurological condition.
I have what is called an Essential Tremor. I shake, most noticeably in my hands and arms, but also my legs shake, and my head/neck, and sometimes my entire body. I remember the first time this tremor was a noticeable problem. I was in my new school during my senior year. I went before the class to read from an essay I had written. It was actually a really funny paper, but I could not hold the damn thing still. After struggling to read it, I finally had to place the paper on the desk before me. When I was done reading, I could feel the heat in my cheeks and the confusion from all the sensations. By that point, I realized I was shaking worse than ever before.
I have been a performer all of my life. I’ve been in church plays, school plays, choral concerts, and there’ve been plenty of times I’ve been on stage for other things. I remember from a young age that I always had a tremor but it never got in the way of any of those activities. I can tell its gotten worse as I’ve gotten older and I think it has a lot to do with insecurities that bring on some sort of amplification of a hormone or something. It is definitely psychosomatic, as it intensifies with my mood. I think I was genuinely fearless as a kid, certainly when it came to the idea of having an audience. I kind of relished in the idea of being the center of attention at that time in my life.
Somewhere along the line I told myself that the tremor meant there was something wrong with me. While it was not the underlying reason behind my arrest, it was the reason given for probable cause to search my vehicle. “Are you on something?” the officer asked me. This was after approaching me as I got out of my car at a gas pump. I wasn’t on anything. I was just shaking because I always shake, especially when someone runs up on me as I walk around my car to fuel up. I remember being completely caught off guard by this cop that came out of nowhere.
He tried to lie to me and say that he observed me not wearing my seatbelt, but he was actually after my boyfriend that was in the passenger seat. Instead of telling me the truth about how he already had a warrant for his arrest, the cop used my condition as a reason to call a dog to the scene. They searched my vehicle after making us wait there for the dog to arrive. We could have left, but my car was actually on E. (A word to the wise, never allow your tank to drop below a quarter of the way to full. Also find out immediately if you are under arrest before you sit around and wait on a dog to show up). I wrote about the incident here, but the tl;dr is we had cannabis in the car, which the cops suspected because they had already gotten a tip about my ex.
I felt humiliated because my shaking hands in this context had the appearance of me being on hard drugs. Many of the women in my cell block of county jail were booked for possession of meth, so my attorney, noticing the acne scars on my face, asked earnestly if I was a user. After I was released from jail, I went to a neurologist so I could have a diagnosis ready for my court date. Ultimately, I never needed the information, but that was when it was confirmed for me that I have an essential tremor. I just really didn’t want people to think I was on drugs.
Of course, I already knew that because for years I had researched what this condition could be. At least with the lab work we were able to rule out the possibility of it being diabetes or an urgent heart condition. The neurologist seemed to think that my tremor was benign. He says that the production of epinephrine and norepinephrine is elevated in my body. He tells me to lay off caffeine, chocolate, and take L-Theanine. I do the latter of the three. I still have the tremor and I think if I can get to its source I can alleviate its expression.
Its hard to tell if it is because of the tremor that I no longer want to be the center of attention or if it is because I don’t want to be the center of attention that I have the tremor. In other words, I shake worse when I don’t want people to notice me. Obviously this is because I am fixated on trying to have control of the tremor and that causes me to tense up and shake worse. I’ve gotten pretty good at noticing the onset of stress as I feel it first in my core and in my lower belly. I never realized that before I started doing meditation and breath work. Meditating on my own center to take me out of the adrenal response.
There is at least one benefit that I’ve noticed to having this crisis response of extra chemicals cycling in. Seems like a good way to cultivate a robust response toolkit.
Originally written in Collective Journaling at The Stoa
