We have reached the last day of May and its really hard to believe.
After getting a new job in April, my life began to spiral really fast. From months of gently waking up and making my way out of bed, through the garden for conversation and coffee with my grandparents before moseying off to find work in the garden or content to create. There was a real clash of my former pace and my new working pace. Over the past few weeks, the acceleration has leveled off or I’ve adjusted to the speed.
The Astrology was particularly lively because it was during the eclipses that all of this took place (April 20 and May 5 I believe). For the May eclipse, I was feeling physically incapacitated. I could hardly get out of bed I was so lethargic. It was really bizarre. If I didn’t have the Astrology to explain it, I would have felt very frustrated. Instead, I gave myself the day off to process. I wrote this post a few days after the eclipse. My mind was attempting to wrap itself around this new idea of someone else having control of my schedule and whether or not I could be okay with giving that power to someone other than my own father.
Right, why did I work for my dad? I have a college degree. I often project my need for help onto others, particularly family members, so keep that in mind when I say this: I wanted to help him. I also wanted to have his protection and even maybe his approval, but I would not have said that at the time. I’ve come to that conclusion because of how I felt when my ex reached out to me (which I wrote about here). I was afraid. I did not suspect, like my best friend, that he was reaching out to apologize for being an awful person after having sat by himself for a while. (This same best friend is the one that was always telling me he wasn’t good enough for me, so it wasn’t out of sympathy for him, but almost as a way to ease my anxiety, I think). I just knew he was calling to retaliate for all the mean and awful things I’ve said about him. I had to grapple with that for a few days, wondering why I felt anxious about taking the dogs on walks or being recognized by anyone.
It was only just a few weeks ago a friend and former coworker for the past randomly surfaced at my store! I live in a completely different state now, and furthermore, the fact that she just waltzed into the very store I work at is pretty synchronistic if anything ever was. The instant we saw each other, we recognized each other. Though, admittedly, I think we both forgot each others names. Her handle on Instagram is so long that I just know her instantly by her avatar. However, when we exchanged numbers, we both included our names so we were able to solve that issue immediately. That was on April 29th, during Mercury retrograde.
Ever more peculiar is that two friends from the past reached out separately over Instagram, and responding to two different posts, asking me if I was living in the city I am now. One of those messages was received on April 29th (the day the skate park opened). The other was on April 24th (I posted a photo from a walk at the park on the bay). Now admittedly, I could take for granted that these ladies had never seen any other post I had made about my city (which I do frequently). But no, I notice that these interactions also fell during the time period of Mercury Retrograde. Well, one thing these women all have in common is that they did not like my ex. They tolerated him, but they did not like him. So I just wonder if those three interactions were my answer to how to stay strong and who has my back. I’ve got a network of women that is global. My reach is far in that sense. I have eyes everywhere and little messages come in from the forest.
I’m gently easing into the feminine softness, as many people seem to be doing the same. When I feel like I am pushing too hard, I back off and make some space. You just can’t spin your wheels about something you have no control over. I do feel a desire to conduct a full moon cord cutting ritual this Saturday so that I can let go of my lingering relationship matters. The lunation takes place in my 7th House of partnerships, after all. Time for a big release. This will suffice as closure. Once that door is closed, I begin to soften even more. The ceremony, the ritual, ties an even to that which gives me a memory on which I can reflect. This is a deep kind of remembering, the remembering of a ‘being mode’. As Vervaeke says in his lectures, “becoming a member”, as in remembering you are a human somewhere in here. Everyday, we wake up and have to remember, we have to remember what happened last night, how we got to that spot, where we even are. We are all familiar with that sensation of the moment we do remember. “Oooooooh yeah”. So more of that please.