I’m Being Pursued
In a good way.
I have a date Wednesday. The first official date I’ve been on since my <s>divorce</s>… I mean break-up. At first, I felt reluctant to accept the invitation. A part of me sees it as a distraction, a lovely distraction, but a distraction nonetheless. Immediately I begin to imagine the entire story arc of the relationship. How it will begin, the euphoric honeymoon stage, the terrible fights, the ultimate death of one of us…. I take it way too far. I am admittedly addicted to being ‘smitten as a kitten’. Wonderfully, deliriously consumed by desire. At times it may seem like I’m randomly just laughing for no reason, but in my mind I imagine again and again hearing his voice say “There you are!” as he did when he was looking for me. “Here I am!” I keep saying back (even though that’s not actually what I said).
Now, I still possess an objective mind that has a *little* control of the situation. She keeps reminding me to take things slow and allow them to develop naturally however they are intended. She knows that infatuation is not the place from which a relationship should form. Not a long-lasting one anyway. So I am mindful of keeping the door open for this to lead to other opportunities. Its just that the opportunities that I could imagine with this man make my heart beat a little faster and that feels really exciting. Its that feeling I have to watch and tend to; that overwhelming craving. Just like with any addiction or obsession, I can allow myself small doses of excitement through fantasy, but I can’t let it get out of hand so much that it affects my ability to function properly.
It isn’t a man pursuing me after all, its a version of me, the one that wants him to be the answer to all those times I chanted “I do not chase, I attract. Whatever is meant for me will simply find me. The partner I am seeking is also seeking me and now I release all blocks that stand between us. Things are always working out for me. The Universe conspires in my favor”. Over and over again I said those words as I sat in a sensory deprivation tank. Did I manifest it? I don’t know, but perhaps this guy is just getting me closer to whatever it is that I am calling in.
Originally written in Collective Journaling at the Stoa
