Feelings Carnival

Bernadette Judaea
5 min readMay 25, 2023

I sense the churning of energy between Mars and Pluto.

Photo by Robert Heiser on Unsplash

Its pretty powerful. Things that feel like they are completely justified for me to be triggered by are popping out of thin air like little bubbles of fury. As an example, my boss continues to tell me that she is very competitive, causing me to wonder if I’ve given her a reason to continue to remind me of this. Is that in my imagination that she has fears of me trying to compete for her position? Yes, yes it absolutely is my imagination. I’m projecting something on to her. But on the other hand, and to my credit, I actually did apply for that job, but she was an internal hire from a different store. If the message was given to her that I was a new hire that had applied for her job, then she would suspect I still have my eye on that spot.

Both of us would be correct in having that suspicion of each other. There’s a pretty anxious/nervous girl inside me that wants to just throw it all out on the table. “Listen, when I took this job, I agreed to take instruction from you and to do as you say while I’m here. I was raised in a military family so I report through the chain of command, and you are my direct supervisor, so you don’t have to worry about me trying to make a move for your position anymore”.

Instead, it would be wise to settle this argument internally. To get to the very root of why I would think such a thing. Sure, shes dropped verbal cues that would indicate I may be a threat, but she’s also been very vulnerable about her personal life with me. She is kind and playful, and there is a sense that she really just wants to spread positivity.

But there’s a shadow that continues to come up in conversation. A shame of her past, very slight. Not a self-loathing shame, but just enough to create the phoenix motif; rising from the ashes. I don’t doubt that she did and that takes courage and tenacity. This mindset though can also train one to ruthlessly compete with everyone for the sake of survival. If I approach her in a way that is trying to take control such as “Listen here lady!”, it isn’t going to go well.

This isn’t the only feud that is boiling on the back burner during this transit for me. Its the one I can be the most generous about. Another angle comes from my relationship with my dad. Its almost nonexistent since I stopped working for him. I reach out occasionally by text but he is very busy with work. Every once in a while I see a post from him on social media… he keeps up with his community but this is a pretty severe childhood wound. My dad was absent but also present. It would be a lie to say he was never there, but he was away more than he was around. If he was around he was doing his own thing.

I can tell alot of my self worth rides on that. When I have a crush on a guy, I go into “play hard to get” mode. Like literally running away from the guys I like in a playful way to be chased. So that really sucks. It manifests as some guys getting the wrong idea too because me being nice to someone doesn’t necessarily mean I am interested, but it is often misinterpreted this way. This results in being pursued furiously by guys I am not interested in, while I send backwards signals to guys I do like. There’s this real desire to have attention focused on me, to the dismissal of all else…. that shows up in my natal chart as Lilith in the 7th House. I can be ultra possessive and have been and saw that reflected to me. Its like I want to evolve into this nexus point of praise. But I don’t. Its such a paradox that is stemming from an unresolved wound.

Should I admonish my father, and scold him for his lack of effort? No, I just solve it internally. I appreciate the year and a half I got to work with him pretty much full time. I remind myself I do not want to do what he does. I reflect on how miserable it felt sometimes to be doing work that felt like it was only meaningful insofar as it was a family business. Otherwise it was completely misaligned. I can appreciate my current job more and the dynamic that I feel like I have with my boss, probably also branching off this node of my shadow.

Finally, and this is a big one for me, that I don’t even know how to articulate without it coming out as sounding slightly narcissistic, so I just have to say it like it is. Jealousy comes up a lot for me. I’ve had girlfriends reach out to me to find out if their boyfriends are talking to me. I don’t have children, so in that sense I also have a lot of free time which might be a source of this feeling too. I don’t know. I know its in me. I know I am seeing a projection. That really hurts. I’m jealous? In what way? It diminishes me. I feel like I must dim my light when others feel threatened by my gifts or my abilities. I worry sometimes that if I perform at my optimal level, I may be threatening to others. This is highlighted in my first scenario of this post, but it comes up in other ways that would have me tone down my makeup, or not get so dressed up. “Who are you trying to impress?”

I’m not clear on what that inner voice is up to and why it is so important that this audience be identified. I feel a lot of debates are crackling and simmering, but I’ve now let the steam off with this journal entry. All I know is that my mixed signals in dating seem to be very closely related to this juncture between jealousy and competition. Instead of involving others in these battles with my demons, its time to get to the bottom of this trap door.

Originally written in Collective Journaling at The Stoa