Farewell

I’m sorry I abandoned you, but I’m not sorry for leaving.

You and I both knew there was no other way out. If there was, it’d have been much worse, I’m afraid. We always said we were preparing each other for the next relationship. Just because you were able to find someone to replace me quicker, doesn’t make me bitter. It’d probably make me sad if I thought you ever actually loved me for me. Instead, I have a feeling you always loved the me you had in your own imagination. The me that I wanted to be for so long. You only knew the me that wanted to impress you, and not the genuine me. Not the authentic me, you only saw the me you wanted me to be. I do wish there were some way to say this to you, but there isn’t. I have to let go, but its so hard.

It's hard because I am sad. It isn’t just you I abandoned. Its the future me: that girl that worked so hard for so long to be the person you loved. She’s gone. Which had to happen, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss her. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t love her. I wish I could hold her and tell her she matters. I wish I could tell her she’s worthy. When I left you, I left her too. I despised her. I told her she was a moron, just like you did so often. I convinced her that any desire for attention was rooted in narcissism. I told her she was selfish. I kicked her while she was down, just like you did so often. There’s a healed part of me, that wants to have compassion. She is the woman typing right now, but even she can’t help but cry. She mourns the loss of a young girl. The warm, wet tears well up in her eyes and fall down her cheeks. She’s alone, by choice, remembering the excitement and the passion this young girl carried within her heart.

I don’t hate you. I don’t hate the girl I was. I know I wouldn’t be who I am without either of you. I love you and I love her too.