Externalizing Self
Whenever I’m in the middle of big feelings, I turn to any sort of divination I can guide my mind to. Sometimes its tarot, sometimes its runes, or if I’m busy I just try to think about which transits are occurring in the sky.
I’m fully aware of the fact that there doesn’t appear to be anything happening when someone does tarot, nor does there appear to be any pattern or cycle. Yet, somehow in these moments, I’m able to have a conversation with myself that is coherent and no longer laced with the emotions of just before. A conversation filled with symbolism and characters that don’t just distract me, but allow me to submerse myself in their thoughts and actions.
I remember after my break-up, I’d phone friends in the middle of an (in-person) argument to get advice. It was like I was trying to bring in a mediator because I would share with my opponent what I was saying (by speaking loudly into the phone) and what my phoned friend was saying in response. I do not argue for the sake of arguing, I argue to make things change. Similarly, I don’t do tarot for the sake of doing tarot, I do tarot to make things change.
It really comes down to a simple rewiring of circuits in my brain. Often times, especially when recovering from a break up, we spin our wheels going on about how life is unfair or how much better we’d feel if only that person would still care. The truth is, we’ve created a narrative and it honestly kind of feels good because it gives meaning to life and that gets our endorphins pumping. Even if it isn’t really all that inspiring, it causes us to feel a strong emotion. I often find on nights when I cry I am less afraid of being alone in the dark. In fact, on those nights I often sit in dark silence and it brings me great peace. On other nights, I will lay in bed freaking out about noises and needing something to stimulate my brain until I can fall asleep. Same bed, same location, but different chemicals and hormones floating in my blood.
I often console myself while crying. I take on the God perspective to hug myself (passionately not like a side-body hug). I stay as a witness to my own hurt. I don’t try to involve others but it feels good to know someone is with me. That someone has manifested as my tarot deck, my runes, my crystals, my alter, my prayer beads. All of those sweet little ornamental pieces bring me the greatest comfort in my most sorrowful moments. I feel cared for and looked after and most importantly, not alone.
I’ve been thumbing through information on Marcus Aurelius over the past couple of days. I have found a lot of comfort in the meditation about how we can only be harmed if we believe we’ve been harmed. The opposite is also very true. I have a great example from yesterday, when Mercury stationed to go retrograde, as it does three times per year.
I was painting a molded bird head (taxidermy) and when I went to show it to my dad he simply told me I was “trying too hard to paint” and that I needed to “shade it instead”. I almost lost it right then but I tried to focus very hard on not taking it personally. Though my ego brain almost could not bear to hold in my tears. By the end of the night (an hour after my work day is supposed to end) I still had trouble with the head and had to leave it for my dad. I instantly began sobbing when I walked out the shop door. He’d made it very clear that it wasn’t my fault and it was just a difficult head to paint (look up “snow goose bill”), but I couldn’t drop it because I’d created the narrative that I wasn’t good enough.
If I could have stopped and done a Celtic Cross, I might’ve gotten a message that was different that I could’ve perpetuated instead of focusing on my failure. A completely different series of chemicals might’ve been produced. There’d have been less cortisol, less epinephrine and norepinephrine, maybe I’d have produced some more dopamine if I could’ve laughed it off or taken it as an opportunity. No doubt our minds are very powerful as they dictate the release of hormones into our body. The subconscious features of our body are easily convinced that we are in danger out of a desire for self-preservation. Who really gives a fuck how you maintain happiness as long as you are able to do it for the sake of your body and overall well-being? Tarot decks help us to develop stories just like runes do because that is what humans have always needed to continue on through struggles in this life. Hope.
I think this idea of woo-woo magic is overplayed and is just an attempt to isolate people for trying to feel better. While guys may be guided to whichever way the boner leads, women are accustomed to cycles. Every month we bleed for a week and cry and eat chocolate. Or at least that’s the stereotype. There was a time when all God’s people operated around cycles of the moon and other celestial bodies. Farmer’s are a particularly obvious example because of seasons. Before we could alter our environments so drastically, we were subjected to the elements and the only way to not be superstitious about them was to track them and predict future events based on those observations.
Originally written in Collective Journaling at The Stoa
