Crazy Diamond in the Rough
I get the feeling sometimes that people think I am way more confident than I am.
While there’s no question I am completely sure of myself, I don’t always feel confident. I trust in my ability to gracefully accept things I can’t control. This is the thing though… I refuse to confide too deeply. Maybe it isn’t really a problem, I’m just selective. I am noticing this as an ongoing tug-of-war when it comes to the dating scene. I want to open completely to a man but the ghost of my avoidance behavior lingers.
“The very processes that make us intelligently adaptive also make us vulnerable to self-deceptive, self-destructive behavior.”- John Vervaeke
It's crazy the stories I tell myself. I know they are. “He isn’t talking to me. Maybe there is a whole group playing a trick on me. Maybe I’m the joke” I’m still not sure where this one comes from but I often feel that men I admire are conspiring with friends to make a fool out of me. Even writing those words sends the flutters about in my tummy because it feels like I am really honing in on a deep wound that I can’t identify the origin.
In a clear state of mind I will realize that my refusal to make eye contact might lead one to believe I am uninterested, but my mind twists this into playing hard to get. Its a tease. Its a request to be chased. But I can’t blame a potential suitor for not knowing if he wants to run towards me for an embrace or swiftly in the opposite direction to divert my crazy.
When I write about my behavior it feels hyperbolic. I tell myself as I write, “You aren’t actually crazy, you know that right?” Yes, I know. We all feel a little crazy sometimes. Inner dialogue can do that to you. I felt it was worth mentioning because its still a fear of mine that people will think I am beginning to spiral out of control again.
Of course, I do really need to attend to this avoidant behavior so I am not feeling like that is what I am receiving. To go back to the beginning of my post and where my mind started, I appear to be much more confident than I am. It still bothers me that I shake and twitch in person but I know that people will love me for that. Maybe even more. When they can see something in me that is not bothered by an imperfection of myself, it invites them to love their own (maybe, I hope).
I am not quite sure where this is going, I do see a need to ease into those imperfections even more, to live them a little more. I do try to repress them into my inner world. I get the feeling people think I am more confident than I am because I display only my most perfect imperfections. Fear of making mistakes and fear of rejection are hallmarks for this condition.
Originally written in Collective Journaling at The Stoa
