Canceled Meeting Thoughts

Bernadette Judaea
6 min readMay 30, 2023

I had a meeting that got canceled so just journaling thoughts that are here. Enjoy!

Photo by Yuichi Kageyama on Unsplash

My dad’s relationship with life bothers me. He seems so irritated. Why is he so aggravated all the time? Being around him feels stressful and rushed. My relationship with him feels distant because of this. I send him check-ins at times now that I’m no longer working for him. Its a new thing I’ve been trying. For a while I thought it was me. I thought I didn’t reach out and that’s why I got alienated from my family, but I live in the same city as them now and I’m still the one to initiate most conversations. I mean, maybe that’s my gift. I am a Gemini, after all, ruled by the planet Mercury, also known as Hermes and Thoth, the messenger gods of their respective cultures.

For some reason, I now feel a great appreciation for my family. For the way that they really have such good intentions, but aren’t the best at communicating with words. Even my dad. I don’t think he really likes to be the way he his all the time, but its the mindset he developed his business around. “Work Hard”. When you have that mindset, you kinda work yourself to death. It would be fine if that’s what he wanted, but its not. He’s expressed a real interest in having time for hobbies and to create and enjoy memories with the grandkids outside of work, but he has to work to pay the bills. So its tough, its tough to be a nice, caring, and compassionate person on the outside even if that’s what you feel like in the inside. You get hardened by work and if that’s all you do then it takes over completely. A lesson for those interested in hustle culture.

My heart aches for my ex. Not to have him, but because I know he’s hurting. I know he had hoped that I’d waited it out for him. I didn’t. I have no interest in speaking to him. There is still a part of me that would like to console the soul I forgave. I can’t do that in this physical realm. I know he can pull through and that deep down that person that I did meet in Love is in there. He’s just gotta find his way back. Not for me, not for another woman, but for God. I pray that that is exactly what happens and so that is what I know to be true. I can see that it is possible by my own experience. I know what that pain of ‘utterly alone’ feels like and I also know that, in small doses, it can be some of the greatest medicine this experience of Life has to offer.

Alone… Allone… All One. Sitting alone, my first question used to be, “WHY!?” Usually I was sobbing wondering why I was unloveable. Yours could be different but questions do just naturally appear when we dig beneath the schedules and responsibilities. There were times that I would sit with myself and giggle, times when I would sit with myself and cry uncontrollably, there were both happy and sad tears, I danced, I punched pillows, I had several, if not, hundreds of conversations with myself. And because I was completely by myself, I was totally uninhibited. Which, at times, led to some not-so-wise choices, but always harmless fun.

Fun. I learned to play pretend again. I learned how to have fun by myself again. When you have that power to manifest a spontaneous laugh because you are thinking something, I’m telling you, you have the power to save the world. I think that a number of tense situations can be de-escalated with the right joke. We gotta lighten up as a species. The tension is absolutely 100% palpable. Loosening up, letting go of the reigns a bit and letting life lead the way. It's no fun to swim up against the stream.

So that’s working towards mastery of flow, and you find flow somewhere in all the resistance of your emotions. That flow gives you a state of being. Its an actual flow state, right? (←There was a link back there don’t miss it) Therein lies the attraction we have to it. It puts us in a familiar state and one that we enjoy. We enter a particular being mode with Flow. What happens if we are frustrated and can’t do our work? Sometimes we turn to caffeine, some may do some yoga and stand on their head, others may go for a run. All of these practices change our state of being so that we have access to other pathways in our mind. It comes down to chemicals and firing of synapses and all the other great words of neurological science, but its really real.

Now think about social media. One moment you are crying because a man saved a dog, the next you are furious with a group of people for opposing your opinion. Its BANANAS. Our bodies are bombarded by a slurry of hormones. Sometimes I like to think that the Universe is sending me a good cry if something does make me break down in tears, but for those that mindlessly scroll… its a recipe for disaster. Its programming. Rather than being the Master, they become the servant to their addictions. In some cases that’s the affect a phone has on us. A load of endorphins by simply sliding a thumb over a glass screen.

Humans, this is an eminent message from my journaling muse to you. We have to wake up and see the difference between life in a body and life as a computer. If its any help in framing your perspective, I SHATTERED my laptop screen by trying to clean it. My friends, that part is a bad joke that I only included because I left out an even worse one earlier. In all seriousness, I do feel a sense of urgency towards a collective epiphany when it comes to our understanding of the implications of AGI. It feels like the eerie calm before the storm. However, I do feel like we are prepared now that we had to go through a collective dark-night-of-the-soul.

I remember right before we went under lockdowns, I had ordered paper products for my sister. A big box of paper towels and toilet paper for her because she has two kids and a husband. How did I know to do that? I was flowing and I hardly used social media. I prided myself at the time on being completely informed by independent media sources. Every morning during work, I’d listen to Fault Lines (a Podcast that just so happened to be a Russian government-controlled media agency, a fact of which I was fully aware. To say that now, a day after Moscow took a retaliation drone-strike is a little unsettling). The pair of hosts had already been discussing you-know-what long before it ever made it to mainstream news. In their investigative reporting, they were early to notice the disruption it would cause to the supply chain. They began advising people stock up on items and by chest freezers LONG before the rush, and just based on speculation at the time. There was no reason to believe based on mainstream news (which for some is social media).

I don’t mean to imply that plugging into the flow means that you tune into a Russian radio show. But you see how I was kind of using that drug to zone out from work, to enter a pseudo-flow state. Now one of the obvious question here is- did rogue outlets like this program cause the panic? Who knows? Something that we cannot question is that it happened. We got locked down. We were home alone. We transformed in our cocoons and now we are all taking flight as new butterflies at our own pace. For some it was hard to break free initially, for some it takes longer for their wings to dry. Its time to live again. Its time to embrace this life. Its time to stop living like we are still under lockdowns. Fear not, dear ones, we are warm-blooded vessels of love and we carry that within. The flow plugs you into your intuition. You are what you do everyday and so on and so forth.

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