Accepting is Unexpected

I had an experience recently where I told some of my colleagues that one of my biggest fears is implicating them in any potential trouble I may get myself into for speaking my mind.

Instead of being scolded or told to leave, I was accepted (therefore un-excepted). I was told that, as long as my feelings were coming from a place of love then I would be supported. That has me sensing into the power of holding back. Of waiting through the emotional wave to recognize my power.

There’s a lot with sensing emotional waves that is really weird for an Aquarius moon. Human Design made me see that distinction between my feelings and sensing the “overall feelings”. I am an Emotional Generator which means I have to wait before making any big decisions until a wave of emotions passes over me. What they don’t tell you is what that means. What that feels like (they probably do but I don’t think I would have understood until today). It means having arguments with yourself, it means wondering if you are doing things for you rather than other people. It has you questioning if you are allowed to do that (aloud).

Upon being asked what I’d been hiding, I answered that I was afraid of potentially hurting the people I love by having a larger audience than what I’ve been cultivating myself. There is a danger to being open about your opinions when you run a business. Especially when you are attempting to be in a shared business. There is a very rebellious side to me that I know I have to unleash sometimes. But I was received in a way that allows me to experiment with that. I wasn’t shut down. I wasn’t told no. I was supported. It gave me permission to be me. Without saying it expressly, they told me me that I wouldn’t be abandoned. Isn’t that the deep down fear? That I would be shunned by all for just existing and thinking. Isn’t that exactly what happened to Socrates?

Tonight I danced like a wild woman. Kizzy was inside and joined me. She loved all the stretches and I enjoyed sensing deeply into the present without my phone and just music playing. No obligations, no where to be and for nobody. I thought of me from the past, in my childhood. Rather than thinking of her as someone separate, I imagined it as another dimension. When I brought her to mind, we existed in the same at once. I think of a set of Matryoshka Dolls. We all danced and the energy vibrated from my body. I could tell by the fact that Kizzy was so cuddly that I was experiencing a new frequency.

Dancing by myself, for myself, with only my cat as my observer felt free and even inviting someone in to read about it here takes a little small piece away from it, but I should share. This is what it takes to separate from the chaotic waves of human emotion that drown us in our waking life. Its especially a lot here, especially because people around me tend to not express too many emotions. Or maybe that is what I’ve imagined based on the fact that I don’t. I’m sinking in to them. I am here to absorb and reflect them. To alchemize them and show a softer side of them. As long as I am taking control of them and not allowing them to control me, I have the ability to be the change I want to see.

The kids came to see me to say good night. I heard them talking about whether or not I was asleep as they walked to my door. “Her light is on!” my niece proclaimed. She began to open the door but my nephew intercepted with “Aren’t you going to knock!?” So, she closed it back and knocked. I responded to the knock with a soft and drawn out “yeeees?” She fumbled with the door and when she did finally get it open she told me she had come to say good night. “I told her to knock,” my nephew asserted. I gave them hugs and answered their questions like “What is that?” “That’s stuff I’m going to burn”. All day I had been annoyed by interruptions but tonight I sensed into the gratitude that they wanted to see me before bed. With kids it is a lot easier to take control of the situation. Its easier to manage the emotions. I guess kids are more relatable in that sense for me.

Originally written in Collective Journaling at The Stoa