A Burden, If You Fight It
I woke up from a dream this morning.
In the dream, I was sitting outside a restaurant having something to eat. I was relaxed sitting back on a bench and a lady approached me to ask how to clean her pipe. She was dirty and wrinkly and looked like she probably didn’t have a house to go to. I told her to use salt because it was abrasive. I have no idea why this came up in my dream. Immediately after she walked away, I saw my ex in the distance. He was with his new girlfriend and his father and step mother, but I never really focused on the women, all I saw was my ex and his dad. It looked as though my ex had gone inside the restaurant to be put on a wait list and they were being called back for their table. There were a lot of people in tables between us. His dad and I made eye contact, and for a moment, I thought he was going to come say hello. Instead he pointed inside and I could tell he was trying to tell me they were going to be inside at a table. I began to gather my things to go say hello. In my dream mind I was thinking of saying something like “Well this is awkward”. Then, before I woke up, I realized I didn’t have to go in at all. I didn’t have to say hello at all.
Despite having had two years to heal from my relationship ending, I am still not even sure what that means… healing. I seem to be stuck in this in-between phase and I am not sure if it ends or if there is something else I am supposed to do. I’m still depressed, not because I miss him but because I still sit in the stagnation of riding out the emotional roller coaster I was conditioned to feel stuck on. I fight with rage and deep despair about not being able to support myself. I keep going back to the typical Millennial timeline of “you should have a mortgage by now” and “your biological clock is ticking”. And yet, part of me is fighting that sense of urgency with the very real possibility of my grandparents dying within the next couple of months. Will I have wanted to be angry the whole time I had them around when they do pass on? Well of course not, but here I am.
We just can’t know for certain when things will happen and the waiting game is not fair to anyone, unless we capitalize on that time with productivity. By making use of my spare time, instead of sulking in misery, I can find sparks of joy in the sorrow. It isn’t enough to just do busy work, it has to be something enjoyable or at least beneficial. Today I broadcasted my morning meditation with Sam Harris over Discord. It was just two other people that joined today, but I am hoping more from our server will join in. I actually find it difficult to meditate with other people because I tend to concern myself with whether or not everyone else is getting something out of it. I take this practice as a new challenge because meditation has started to become something I punctuate my day with (as Sam encourages us to do). Practicing meditation with others is not only challenging, it is a way that I can hold myself accountable.
What is accountability anyway? Its so much more motivating to be observed by others doing the tasks that are meant to be done behind the scenes. The inner work is so important and can only be achieved when we do it ourselves. No one else can do it for us, so the road can get pretty lonely. But we almost can’t help but crave attention and connection during these times. Its important to know we aren’t the only ones experiencing the lulls and the lows while everyone posts their vacations on social media. Things are developing even when we feel like we are stuck, life is always changing, we just have to observe it more closely when it seems it is not.
I pulled The Devil Card today it depicts the Devil raising his right hand and in his left he holds a torch. He has horns, bat wings, and what appear to be bird feet. There are two humans, one man and the other a woman, both naked and chained by the neck to his perch. The woman has fruit for a tail and the man has perhaps fire as his. To me, this card represents being chained to thought patterns and destructive behavior.
According to Biddy Tarot the card is about addictions, attachment, the shadow self, restriction and sexuality. The bat wings are meant to be those of a vampire bat that sucks the blood from humans. I didn’t notice, but his right hand is actually the Vulcan salute 🖖 and also there is an inverted pentagram on his forehead which is a symbol for the occult. Another interesting thing Ioverlooked is that the humans chains are loose, indicating they could free themselves if they wanted. Instead they are taking on the likeness of the devil, with horns and the fruit and fire tails are indicative of pleasure and lust.
Originally written in Collective Journaling at The Stoa